Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER