A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER