Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER