I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER