Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER