I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER