A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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