There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






