You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER






