This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER