Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER