I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER