It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






