The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER






