Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERA passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER