Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER