In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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self-pity is better than none.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER






