In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER