I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER