Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER