I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG