Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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- black
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG






