I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG