I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGI type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERGI think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERGI got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERGI don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERGI tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGMy friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERGWearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG