Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG






