I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG