My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERGMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGI find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGPepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGDogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERGI think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGI tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERGI’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG