Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS






