When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPS