Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS