I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPSI got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSMy parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSWhen deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSInterviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPSThe way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS