I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSSome mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSI love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSMy ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPSPeople come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSInterviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPSThe American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPSMy computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPSNot everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
EMO PHILIPS