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I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.

Bob Hope

By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.
BOB HOPE

Eighteen Engaged Finished Foursome
The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent’s handshake.
BOB HOPE

Funny Handshake Tired Water
If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.
BOB HOPE

Golf Relax Right Thinking
The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
BOB HOPE

Aspirin Firm Print Times
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
BOB HOPE

Happiness Inspirational Laughter
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
BOB HOPE

Funny Humble Humor
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.
BOB HOPE

Acting Funny President
Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
BOB HOPE

Healing Mean Wonderful
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.
BOB HOPE

Failure Girlfriend House Sex
The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he’s not running for anything.
BOB HOPE

Aspiration Funny Presidential Running States
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
BOB HOPE

Golf Swimming Work Out
The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear’s huge jaws. I wouldn’t even try that with my agent.
BOB HOPE

Act Agents Funny High Inside Trying
Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
BOB HOPE

Discover Funny Money Taken
Please don’t stand up on my account.
BOB HOPE

Account Line One Please Stand
When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.
BOB HOPE

Beautiful Break Breathing Miss Strength
Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.
BOB HOPE

Careers Dying Line One

I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.

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I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.

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