“If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.”

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

I was like, boy, I feel so good when I run, if everybody could feel like this, this sense of joy and physical well-being and strength and autonomy you have when you run, how much better the world would be, you know?

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I played many sports, but when that golf bug hit me, it was permanent.

I expect to play golf until I am 90-even longer if anybody figures out a way to swing a club from a rocking chair.

Golf is a game of coordination, rhythm, and grace; women have these to a high degree.

You can’t win them all but you can try.

Good golf is easier to play-and far more pleasant-than bad golf.

Golf without bunkers and hazards would be tame and monotonous. So would life.

There are no shortcuts to good golf. The better players realize this.

The greatest thing for me is when someone comes up and says, ‘My son started playing golf because of you,’ or, ‘I started playing golf because of you,’ and all that.