Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
BILLY CONNOLLYI decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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