I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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The more you know the less the better.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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