I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLYI became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLY