I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
BILLY CONNOLLYMarriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
BILLY CONNOLLY