If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
BILLY CONNOLLYWhenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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