I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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