Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
BILLY CONNOLLYThere are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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The more you know the less the better.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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