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If you give people a chance, they shine.

Billy Connolly

I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Found People Scared
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Arriving Kill Killing MIssed Time
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Alright Disease Humorous Mad
Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Art Needs Reality
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Morning Snowplough
I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Big Fan Fans Home Rottweilers
I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
BILLY CONNOLLY

Consciously Home Intention Numbers People
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Comedy Euthanasia Fame
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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Constitution Happiness Revolution Unique Written
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Fire Forests Tree
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Acting Different Discipline
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Christianity Different Religion Thing
I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Desperate People Themselves Thinking
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Funny Someone Waitin Witty
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Sexy
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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International Language Music Sorry Swear
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Become Changing Clothes Life Successful
I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Believe Book Care Film Movie
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Expensive Looks Stolen
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Clothing Hate Rain Sexy
I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Breaking Girl Heart Thinking Worse
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Objects Running Scissors
I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Audience Differences Offended People You
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Arms Loathed People Singing Single
I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Huge Love Simply Thinking You
There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Anything Comment Figure Matrimony
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arses Channel People Rooms Search

If you give people a chance, they shine.

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If you give people a chance, they shine.

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