I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
BILLY CONNOLLYI love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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