“I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.”

Golf’s really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. … I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.

It’s really rare for film directors to be that interested in things other than themselves.

I think people deny themselves by putting themselves into categories.

” Education does not mean jamming information into somebody’s head. Rather, it’s that ancient idea that all knowledge is within us; to teach is to help somebody pull it out of themselves.

Reputation matters so much only because people so seldom think for themselves.

There’s a whole category of people who miss out by not allowing themselves to be weird enough.

It’s hard loving those who don’t much like themselves: “If you’re so great, why would you think I’m so great.

Architects themselves tend to shy away from the word, preferring instead to talk about the manipulation of space.

And all the songs I ever sung each one of them untied me And all the girls I ever loved have left themselves inside me.