I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
BILLY CONNOLLYI love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLY