My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLYWisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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