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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

Billy Connolly

I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Believe Book Care Film Movie
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Morning Snowplough
Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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Answers Guy Mountain
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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Differences Everything Funny Menu Travel
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Blow Make Think Thinking Useless
I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Britain Europe Thinking
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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Catholic Guilt Levels
It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Change Mind Often Reserve
If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Havens Heard Rumours
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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Country Patronishing Region Weather
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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Offending People Religious
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Hands Issues People Pound
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Baby Delivery Funny Humor Paddy Probably
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Dog Doors Independent Stuff
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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Christianity Different Religion Thing
I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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Arses Laughing Pose Say Years
There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Encouragement Fighting Safe Watching
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Clothing Hate Rain Sexy
Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Baby Bastard Purpose
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Objects Running Scissors
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Alright Disease Humorous Mad
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Brother Funny Girlfriend Mine
I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Believe Jesus Teacher
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Apparently Men Race Sex Women
Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Jobs Jon Tell Workplace
Try to live in a place you like.
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Like Place Trying
I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Fog Singer Voice

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Billy Connolly Quotes