I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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