Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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Don’t work out, work in.
BILLY CONNOLLY