I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
BILLY CONNOLLY