I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY