I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
BILLY CONNOLLYI hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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The more you know the less the better.
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