I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY