Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLYTry to live in a place you like.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
BILLY CONNOLLY