The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
BILLY CONNOLLYWell, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
BILLY CONNOLLY