Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
BILLY CONNOLLY