Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLYNow, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY