I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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