If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
BILLY CONNOLLY