A fart is just your arse applauding.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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