“When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?”

On pragmatistic principles, if the hypothesis of God works satisfactorily in the widest sense of the word, it is true.

A testimony is a testimony, and it should be respected, whether it is small or large.

Don’t work out, work in.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Golf’s really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. … I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.