I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLYOh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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The more you know the less the better.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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