Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLYOh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The more you know the less the better.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
BILLY CONNOLLY