I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
BILLY CONNOLLYBehind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY