There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
BILLY CONNOLLYI once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY