People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
BILLY CONNOLLYI once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY