Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLYI think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY