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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
ALAN KING

Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
ALAN KING

Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
ALAN KING

All Birthday Celebrate Everybody Father Kid Tell Tree Use
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
ALAN KING

Eat Every Holiday Jewish Kill Summer Try Won
Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KING

Bank Banker Chain Come Down Friend Image New Pen
But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
ALAN KING

Fun heavy Love More Movie Much
I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
ALAN KING

Again Go Role Something Sympathetic Thirty Two Week
My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KING

Coverage Fire Frown Kind Lawyer Problem Theft
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
ALAN KING

Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
ALAN KING

Alive Current Funny Keep Yourself
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
ALAN KING

Amazing Away Call Comedy Get Hard Laugh Once Turn
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KING

Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
ALAN KING

Audience Big Comedy Identity Thing Think
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
ALAN KING

Humor Jew Joke Objectivity Only Refer Speak Stage Unfunny
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
ALAN KING

Bigotry Father First Oppression Read Talk Think Time
The other day my house caught fire.
ALAN KING

Caught Day Fire House Other

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