You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
ALAN KINGMy lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
More Alan King Quotes
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KING