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The other day my house caught fire.

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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
ALAN KING

Being Bird Come Early Gonna Mind Sixty-five Special Tell
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Bed Eat Favorite Out Saturday Spend Sport Television Watch Way
For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Always Birthday Joke Me Such Time
I was a high school throw-out.
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High Out School Throw
There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Charm Humor Rhythm Soul
You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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Attack Fun Make Somebody
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Back Ball Been Fifty Laugh Listen Love People Theatre Villian Year
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly
The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Dictator Full Life Little Run Try World
And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Always Art Even Humour Somebody Want Weapon
Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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Amazing Away Call Comedy Get Hard Laugh Once Turn
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Day Decide Dinner Go Morning Through
Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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Confidence First Freedom Gave Lot People Program Sullivan Television
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.
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Fun heavy Love More Movie Much

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