When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
ALAN KINGThe other day my house caught fire.
More Alan King Quotes
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KING