My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
ALAN KINGMy mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
ALAN KINGBanks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KINGMy lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
ALAN KINGEverything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
ALAN KINGI won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
ALAN KINGAs a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
ALAN KINGYou want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
ALAN KINGIt’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
ALAN KINGI was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KINGI’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
ALAN KINGMy brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
ALAN KINGWhen I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
ALAN KINGIf you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGSome would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
ALAN KINGMy mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
ALAN KINGMy son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KING