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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

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Ability Audience Comedy Identity never Say Son Story Tell

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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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Always Big Consider End Failure Line Old Socialist Unionist
I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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Always Dinner First Morning Plan Thing
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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Bran Fifteen Last Live Longer Spend Toilet Year
My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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Ate Clean Good House Kept Mother
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Alongside Dictionary Milton Party Took Tremendous Vaudeville
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Brother College Cut Him Member Nail Physician Surgeon Youngest
I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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Armor Eat Place Suit
Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Business Course Have Hook Learn Survive
As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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Egg Except Food Life Only Pleasure Salami Second Sex
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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Apple Every Gave Hospital Juice Morning
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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Day Decide Dinner Go Morning Through
I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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Give Interview Know Poor Start Until
Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Back Ball Been Fifty Laugh Listen Love People Theatre Villian Year
Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Humor Jew Joke Objectivity Only Refer Speak Stage Unfunny
My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KING

Ability Audience Comedy Identity never Say Son Story Tell

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