If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGThere’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
More Alan King Quotes
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
ALAN KING