I’m black, and black don’t crack. It does droop.
AISHA TYLERI’ve always been a gamer, and I had a period where I was gaming at a really hardcore level.
More Aisha Tyler Quotes
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I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.
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I’m such a geek, and have always been a real nerd.
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But I think what diversity brings to any daypart is more eyeballs, just more opportunity.
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Much like a wobbly toddler or an unhinged politician, one immediately looks for someone else to blame. God. Your parents. Ex-girlfriends. Undocumented immigrants. Marvin in Human Resources. China.
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You just have to keep getting up’. And I look back and they were right. They were all right.
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When one is undone—sprawled across the cold tile of a public bathroom in a pool of one’s own vomit, or shivering in the back of a taxi in a pair of urine-soaked skinny jeans with no money for cab fare and a dead cell phone battery.
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Am I going to complain about being typecast as smart? I don’t think so.
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Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet.
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If you haven’t noticed yet, working sucks. Unless you are a racecar driver or an astronaut or Beyonce, working is completely and utterly devoid of awesome.
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“Trust me, you don’t want to have to actually interact with these people.”
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If you ever needed to ruin someone’s fun, I mean really poop a party, just move things to the workplace. Fun terminated.
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“You are going to fail, and anyone who is success has powered through many, many failures.”
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I don’t know if I was always an open person, but I think stand-up comics specifically have this way of running towards embarrassing things.
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Marriage is a mystery and part of it is just being kind to each other, not being selfish.
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I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.
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I’ve always been a gamer, and I had a period where I was gaming at a really hardcore level.
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I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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After going through a lot of procedures and spending a lot of money … the doctor said, ‘Look, based on what we’re seeing here, I just don’t think this is going to happen for you.’
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I am absolutely a Giants fan and I’m a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time.
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I’m the kindest, most supportive friend ever, probably to my own detriment, but I hope that I am toughening up a little bit.
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Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard-fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter.
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I wish I could say I’m an architect and planned it this way, foresaw doing all these things, but honestly, I’ve been lucky that things have come across my path and they’ve worked out well for me.
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I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry.
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I have one girlfriend who is dating right now – she’s divorced – and she’s on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that’s not a real game, but it’s my favorite thing to do.
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Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.
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One thing we do really well on Archer and one thing I’ve always tried to do in my comedy and my writing and my podcast is to never speak down to my audience.
AISHA TYLER