“I am absolutely a Giants fan and I’m a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time.”

I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry.

“You are going to fail, and anyone who is success has powered through many, many failures.”

Am I going to complain about being typecast as smart? I don’t think so.

“Trust me, you don’t want to have to actually interact with these people.”

I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.

I’m the kindest, most supportive friend ever, probably to my own detriment, but I hope that I am toughening up a little bit.

I have one girlfriend who is dating right now – she’s divorced – and she’s on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that’s not a real game, but it’s my favorite thing to do.

TV always wants more people to be watching.

The best advice anybody could have given me was to keep getting up over and over again.

Wipe the rivulets of watery drool from your face, and do it again, like an obstinate toddler running against the wall with his head in a bucket.

I talk to grown-ups who are out to have a good time and they want to be spoken to in a different way.

You just have to keep getting up’. And I look back and they were right. They were all right.

But I love stand-up, and it’s where I came from creatively, so it’s something I never want to walk away from.

One thing we do really well on Archer and one thing I’ve always tried to do in my comedy and my writing and my podcast is to never speak down to my audience.

I really do know football.

I grew up on the back of a motorcycle – my dad didn’t have a car until I was a teenager. And then my closest friend from grade school was a guy.

An Englishmans way of speaking absolutely classifies him.

The principle that light can be in two places at the same time is absolutely extraordinary.

I’ve been glued to the TV. I am absolutely devastated.

Vegetables are absolutely brilliant because as soon as they come out of the ground they are prepared and frozen instantly.

Her spirit is one that we absolutely need today, as we face odds that are akin to the divisive and systemic oppression that we read about in our history books, but it’s taken on a modern-day articulation of itself.

Radiantly nothing. Absolutely and eternally zero. Emptiness that is awake. Emptiness that is full. Emptiness that is everything.

Outside His will, outside His thought, all is nothing, even the things which seem to us absolutely self-evident such as space and time.

He’s not cruel. He just does what he has to do. And in his own mind, he’s absolutely right.