“Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.”

I like the company of guys. I have a lot of good girlfriends that I really love, but you know, most of my close friends are men.

Pop culture hales you and wants you to fail.

Successful people just don’t let failure define them or keep them from doing what they want to do. For example, I’d have people come up to me after my shows, and they’d say they want to do stand-up but are scared they’re going to fail. I’d tell them,

the freedom to live a life free of fear of violence, to select a fulfilling career and be compensated fairly, to choose when to start a family, to marry whom you love.

No one wants to hear about how awesome you were; people want to hear about the time you blew it.

Much like a wobbly toddler or an unhinged politician, one immediately looks for someone else to blame. God. Your parents. Ex-girlfriends. Undocumented immigrants. Marvin in Human Resources. China.

I always tell people that if you really want to know somebody, they should listen to that person’s interview with me. I spend a lot of time with my guests.

I love Toronto. I love it. I love Toronto. I love Canada. I can’t wait to get back. Can’t wait to have some Timbits.

I was really unhappy. I had a great job that I should have loved, yet I was miserable. I slowly realized that was because I wasn’t performing. So I just tried stand-up and fell in love with it after one performance.

I like grown up comedy.

I love to be busy and be challenged. I’m my happiest when I’m under pressure and almost overwhelmed by how much I have to get done.

But I think what diversity brings to any daypart is more eyeballs, just more opportunity.

So what I would say to other people is to just embrace who you are because you will become instantly happier.

All these young books for women are like I’m 29 with a closet full of Prada shoes and I can’t get a date. Come on.

I have always been a softie, and I fight it with every fiber of my being. Sadly, my being’s fibers need to hit the gym.

It is hard, it lasts all day, the lighting is generally fluorescent, and, apparently, drinking at your desk is frowned upon.

The great happiness of life, I find, after all, to consist in the regular discharge of some mechanical duty.

Everyone should have themselves regularly overwhelmed by Nature.

I’m really just a regular guy who has had an incredibly blessed life.

I can’t change myself. I’m Mike Tyson. I’m a regular kid from the getto striving to do something positive with myself. I happen to fight well.

I love having my hoop earrings. Just regular gold hoops.

I designed my whole image. That was all me. I just bought some regular clothes, threw a medallion around my neck, and that was it. The next thing I know, that’s the look.

I’m just a regular person who believes life is simple, and I like a simple life.

My only idol is God, and I kick myself when I don’t pray regularly enough.