When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
ADAM CAROLLAI’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.
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If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera – sort of low-key. I don’t like being on camera stuff that much.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.
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Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
ADAM CAROLLA






