As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
ADAM CAROLLAThey advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
ADAM CAROLLA






