If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG