If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERGI’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG