Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGI’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG